A Clean Mind

Blogging about a less stressful way to live…

Relationships: Can We At Least Be Friends?

Here’s a quick post about relationships. As in husband, wife, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend – those relationships. It seems like I’ve had lots of clients recently who are having a tough time with their relationships. A really tough time. They’re always fighting and arguing. I couldn’t imagine living that way, because I decided not to twenty years ago and have been improving since. I’ve been far from perfect, but who cares? It’s definitely going in the right direction. WAY less fighting and arguing. It really does take two. Do you want to be right or happy? There’s lots of power in that. I got tired of being right all the time and just wanted to be happy. And I wasn’t right, anyway. Also, it’s not fun when someone else has to always be wrong. Let’s relax and come up with a solution together.

Anyway, I wondered what these people were doing together if they seemed to hate each other so much. I mean, these people are really mean to each other. And this is the person you love? And you’re always mean to them? It doesn’t make sense to me. It occurred to me about a week ago that the problem is that they’re no longer friends. I’m sure this is relationship 101, too. Remember that I am not a couples counselor. I allowed myself to get suckered into it once when I first started this gig, about three years ago. Once. I wanted these people out of my office ASAP. I wondered why the hell they were even together. And it was clear that at least one of them was lying since their stories were so ridiculously far apart. It makes for a good story now, at least. And I really do hope that each of them is truly happy now, whether together or apart.

As I type this, I think my friend Molly Kasper, who is an excellent couples counselor, told me about how important it is to be friends and how often couples lose that. So I know this is not new. I’d forgotten it, though, until it recently popped in my head. The problem is that they’re not even friends! It hit me like a ton of bricks. So simple and clear. So for those out there who fall into this category, I’d say just start over. Go back to the basics and try to be friends with your partner and go from there. Friends don’t say mean things to each other all the time. Friends don’t yell at each other. Friends work together to try to come up with solutions. It’s not this battle. Real friends, anyway. I know there are some less than excellent friendships out there. We’re going for authenticity. The real McCoy. Whatever that means. I’m sure the internet knows…

By the way, Molly can be reached at 850-889-1119 or mollykkasper@gmail.com if anybody is looking. Kristen Hartford is excellent as well, and she can be reached at 850-982-2899. Either way, I wish you all the best. As for me, I’m off to Sedona, AZ early in the am for a very cool weekend retreat with a very cool spiritual teacher. It’s a bit “out there” for most people, so I’ll talk about it when the time is right. Wait, you know what? The time is right. It’s a guy called Jayem from www.wayofmastery.com. I love this stuff. So I plan on having my little personal ego mind totally blown open. Always a fun thing! I’ll be back next week ready to go. And then I get to do hours and hours of paperwork at my other job that I’ve put off. Sweet! Hey, I made my bed so now I will lay in it, all good. At least I’ll get paid. Peace out and all the best to you!


All anybody really wants is peace. The good news is that peace can be learned. I’m serious. This should be taught in middle school, but it’s not. So I’m teaching it now.

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